She Works Hard for the Money

Amazing that I typically look this good after a night of work, huh?

So work went really well last night. For those of you who don't know me, I work retail, have for the past fifteen to sixteen years, and I'm a member of my facility's overnight management team. What does that mean? It's not nearly as glamorous as it might sound. I'm more or less a planner and facilitator. I help create a game plan for the evening's tasks, and then I work to make sure that everything gets finished. When we have a great night, I get to enjoy the praise as we tour with the facility manager in the morning. If we have a poor night... well I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's considerably less praise involved. I'm fortunate though, a lot more fortunate than many of my Trans sisters and brothers. I live in a state, Minnesota, that's actually relatively accepting of me and the way I live my life, and I work in an environment where I'm appreciated for who I am. I feel extremely lucky in both regards. So, when I left off the other day, I said that I'd talk a little about transitioning at work.

Changing on the Job
I think it's quite possible that transitioning in the work place is one of the most terrifying events that we have to face as we walk our path in life. For many of us our job, and the income it affords us, is one of the most important lynch pins in our life. The mere thought of being let go because of who we are is staggering. Without that income, we can't afford a vehicle, a home, food, or any of the other things we need just to survive from day to day. This doesn't even begin to include the cost of medical care that many of us incur when we transition. Hormones and therapy aren't cheap, and their cost is nothing compared to the funds required  to under go the various surgeries and procedures we may choose to have. In short, the thought of losing our job is really the thought of losing our very ability to sustain our lives. And in many areas, despite the various legal protections that are in place, termination is a very real fear.

Once we get past that fear, there's the understandable worry of being ostracized, berated, or even bullied by our coworkers or employers for being different. Like when we come out to our friends and family, we fear we won't be accepted. Then we face the possibility of discrimination, again despite the legal protections that are in place. It does happen. I read about it all the time, and have heard of instances from people I've been lucky enough to meet. Transgender discrimination law suites are cropping up more and more all the time. On the bright side, we are winning them.

So, how exactly did I transition at work? How did I overcome the fears and concerns? Sleep deprivation. I've kind of hinted at how it went initially for me, but I thought I'd take the time to talk about it in a little more detail, so here's how it went down.

Back in March, I had been going to a Trans group that my therapist started  for some of her patients. Now, around the end of last year, I had been in full blown coming out mode. I had spoken to my management, and to many of my coworkers, telling them I was a Transgender Woman, and that I fully intended to begin transitioning in the near future. I was actually quite surprised to find that people were largely supportive of me, at least on paper as it were. They told me that they respected what I had to do, and that they were behind me. Again, it's much easier to say this when you're not actually staring it in the face, but the initial responses made me hopeful. So, as I said, they knew this was coming.

What should I have done?

 Okay, I probably should have had a long talk with my facility manager, and Human Resources about what I was doing, how I planned to make the change, what they might have expected of me, and what I would in turn expect from them.

What did I do?

Pretty much exactly the opposite. As I said, I'd been attending a Trans group, and naturally I was going to that dressed as Alexis. Afterward my normal routine involved driving over to my sister's to change back into male clothes before going to work. I was extremely tired that night, and probably not thinking extremely clearly. My sister lives near my place of employment so I would usually pass by on my way to her house. That particular time I glanced over as I was passing by and I whispered something to myself. I'll never forget it.

Just above a breath, I said, "Fuck it."

I turned into the parking lot and sat in my car, nervously posting my intent on Facebook while I waited for overnight management to show up. (At the time I was still a lowly peon.) My posts met immediate and unanimous support from my friends, and the coworkers who were on my friend list. So, shaking and probably more afraid than I had ever been in my life, I marched in. I walked past people I knew with my head down, completely focused on my mission. I marched into the management office and looked at them and told them in no uncertain terms that this was how I was coming to work from now on. I didn't ask their permission, and I made it quite clear in my tone that I was stating absolute fact. The managers on duty through their immediate support behind me, and even let me make a name tag that night with my new name. My coworkers were... surprised. I caught a lot of glances those first couple of nights, and I know a few people were put off by it. I actually turned to a  lady I worked very closely with, looked at her for a moment and then asked, "So are you okay?"

She must have seen how nervous I was because her response was, "Yeah, are you?" After a week or so it started to calm down though and reach a level of normalcy. A few people told me that they liked me better this way, that I seemed like a happier person, and a few others, bless their hearts, told me that I didn't look too bad either. Trust me, less than a month on hormones and you take that as a compliment! All in all things settled into a comfortable rhythm.

I think it's getting to be time for bed here though because I am yawning up a storm! That pretty well covers the beginning of my at work Transition. Tomorrow I'll talk about how things have changed and developed at work over the last six and a half months.

Until then, ciao!

AJ