Say It Like You Mean It

My trademark confidence/Cocky look.

Confidence is key, particularly when you're coming out to somebody or trying to gain acceptance.

So how nerve racking, how blood chillingly terrifying is it to come out to somebody. It's an anxious time when you're expecting a positive reaction. When you're uncertain of whether you'll be accepted or, worst case scenario, expecting a negative response, there are very few things that can compare to the fear that you feel. I know. I've been there. It seems unfair doesn't it. Your good friend Tom never had to come out as male. Your sister never had to face the harsh chill of having to proclaim her femininity. Unfortunately when you're born in the wrong body, you have to face these situations, and once you've faced them, you have to keep on dealing with it. If you're lucky; you started on Hormone Replacement Therapy when you were young, or you have good genes, eventually you may reach a point where you're visually indistinguishable from a genetic female. Not everybody reaches that point though, and for those that don't, they have to deal with that stigma, that microscope that society places them under, for the rest of their lives. It's unfair, but such is life.

People often ask me about my experiences with coming out to friends and family and one of the most common questions I get is how they can make it easier. For some it's as simple as presenting their thoughts to their loved ones in a carefully written letter. Many are like me though. They want to be there, to face the issue head on and bear the response, positive or negative, in person. To them I say that one of the most important things you can do to affect the encounter, is to do your best to present yourself in a confident manner. If you come across as extremely nervous or panicky, your audience is going to pick up on it. Your visible fear and the worry in your voice and mannerisms is going to cause the other person or people to start worrying from the get go, before you even get to say anything about your condition. On the other hand, if you start out confident and in control, others will pick up on that and it will put them in a much more comfortable mind set. This is all one hundred percent true by the way. It has a lot to do with how our subconscious takes cues from things that we may not even notice on a conscious level.

Of course this doesn't guarantee a positive reaction. That has a lot to do with the beliefs and mindset of the person you're talking to, but it does help to bring out the best possible encounter you could have with that person. Confidence isn't always easy. In the beginning, I had to fake my confidence. In my case, I simply thought about the person I was going to become and how confident and self assured she would be and, if this makes sense, I borrowed a little confidence from her. It helped me get through the early stages of coming out last year, and I've since developed for real some of the confidence I was faking or borrowing. The benefits of, at the very least the appearance of, confidence do not stop at coming out either. It was of great benefit when I began transitioning at work back in March. I had come out to my management team and coworkers months earlier, and the response had been fairly positive. So, on that fateful day when I decided it was time, I simply marched in, as Alexis, and told my managers that this was how I would be coming to work from now on. I didn't ask their permission, I didn't say it timidly. I flat out told them. I showed them that this was happening, and that there was no if. When I have time I'll talk a little more about transitioning at work.

I've found that the very real confidence I'm starting to develop, bordering on downright cocky at times, helps me in my day to day life, dealing with the rest of the world as well.

Confidence. It's okay not to have it, particularly in the beginning, but at least learn to fake it and you will notice a difference. I guarantee it.

AJ