She Works Hard for the Money

Amazing that I typically look this good after a night of work, huh?

So work went really well last night. For those of you who don't know me, I work retail, have for the past fifteen to sixteen years, and I'm a member of my facility's overnight management team. What does that mean? It's not nearly as glamorous as it might sound. I'm more or less a planner and facilitator. I help create a game plan for the evening's tasks, and then I work to make sure that everything gets finished. When we have a great night, I get to enjoy the praise as we tour with the facility manager in the morning. If we have a poor night... well I won't go into detail, but let's just say there's considerably less praise involved. I'm fortunate though, a lot more fortunate than many of my Trans sisters and brothers. I live in a state, Minnesota, that's actually relatively accepting of me and the way I live my life, and I work in an environment where I'm appreciated for who I am. I feel extremely lucky in both regards. So, when I left off the other day, I said that I'd talk a little about transitioning at work.

Changing on the Job
I think it's quite possible that transitioning in the work place is one of the most terrifying events that we have to face as we walk our path in life. For many of us our job, and the income it affords us, is one of the most important lynch pins in our life. The mere thought of being let go because of who we are is staggering. Without that income, we can't afford a vehicle, a home, food, or any of the other things we need just to survive from day to day. This doesn't even begin to include the cost of medical care that many of us incur when we transition. Hormones and therapy aren't cheap, and their cost is nothing compared to the funds required  to under go the various surgeries and procedures we may choose to have. In short, the thought of losing our job is really the thought of losing our very ability to sustain our lives. And in many areas, despite the various legal protections that are in place, termination is a very real fear.

Once we get past that fear, there's the understandable worry of being ostracized, berated, or even bullied by our coworkers or employers for being different. Like when we come out to our friends and family, we fear we won't be accepted. Then we face the possibility of discrimination, again despite the legal protections that are in place. It does happen. I read about it all the time, and have heard of instances from people I've been lucky enough to meet. Transgender discrimination law suites are cropping up more and more all the time. On the bright side, we are winning them.

So, how exactly did I transition at work? How did I overcome the fears and concerns? Sleep deprivation. I've kind of hinted at how it went initially for me, but I thought I'd take the time to talk about it in a little more detail, so here's how it went down.

Back in March, I had been going to a Trans group that my therapist started  for some of her patients. Now, around the end of last year, I had been in full blown coming out mode. I had spoken to my management, and to many of my coworkers, telling them I was a Transgender Woman, and that I fully intended to begin transitioning in the near future. I was actually quite surprised to find that people were largely supportive of me, at least on paper as it were. They told me that they respected what I had to do, and that they were behind me. Again, it's much easier to say this when you're not actually staring it in the face, but the initial responses made me hopeful. So, as I said, they knew this was coming.

What should I have done?

 Okay, I probably should have had a long talk with my facility manager, and Human Resources about what I was doing, how I planned to make the change, what they might have expected of me, and what I would in turn expect from them.

What did I do?

Pretty much exactly the opposite. As I said, I'd been attending a Trans group, and naturally I was going to that dressed as Alexis. Afterward my normal routine involved driving over to my sister's to change back into male clothes before going to work. I was extremely tired that night, and probably not thinking extremely clearly. My sister lives near my place of employment so I would usually pass by on my way to her house. That particular time I glanced over as I was passing by and I whispered something to myself. I'll never forget it.

Just above a breath, I said, "Fuck it."

I turned into the parking lot and sat in my car, nervously posting my intent on Facebook while I waited for overnight management to show up. (At the time I was still a lowly peon.) My posts met immediate and unanimous support from my friends, and the coworkers who were on my friend list. So, shaking and probably more afraid than I had ever been in my life, I marched in. I walked past people I knew with my head down, completely focused on my mission. I marched into the management office and looked at them and told them in no uncertain terms that this was how I was coming to work from now on. I didn't ask their permission, and I made it quite clear in my tone that I was stating absolute fact. The managers on duty through their immediate support behind me, and even let me make a name tag that night with my new name. My coworkers were... surprised. I caught a lot of glances those first couple of nights, and I know a few people were put off by it. I actually turned to a  lady I worked very closely with, looked at her for a moment and then asked, "So are you okay?"

She must have seen how nervous I was because her response was, "Yeah, are you?" After a week or so it started to calm down though and reach a level of normalcy. A few people told me that they liked me better this way, that I seemed like a happier person, and a few others, bless their hearts, told me that I didn't look too bad either. Trust me, less than a month on hormones and you take that as a compliment! All in all things settled into a comfortable rhythm.

I think it's getting to be time for bed here though because I am yawning up a storm! That pretty well covers the beginning of my at work Transition. Tomorrow I'll talk about how things have changed and developed at work over the last six and a half months.

Until then, ciao!

AJ

Say It Like You Mean It

My trademark confidence/Cocky look.

Confidence is key, particularly when you're coming out to somebody or trying to gain acceptance.

So how nerve racking, how blood chillingly terrifying is it to come out to somebody. It's an anxious time when you're expecting a positive reaction. When you're uncertain of whether you'll be accepted or, worst case scenario, expecting a negative response, there are very few things that can compare to the fear that you feel. I know. I've been there. It seems unfair doesn't it. Your good friend Tom never had to come out as male. Your sister never had to face the harsh chill of having to proclaim her femininity. Unfortunately when you're born in the wrong body, you have to face these situations, and once you've faced them, you have to keep on dealing with it. If you're lucky; you started on Hormone Replacement Therapy when you were young, or you have good genes, eventually you may reach a point where you're visually indistinguishable from a genetic female. Not everybody reaches that point though, and for those that don't, they have to deal with that stigma, that microscope that society places them under, for the rest of their lives. It's unfair, but such is life.

People often ask me about my experiences with coming out to friends and family and one of the most common questions I get is how they can make it easier. For some it's as simple as presenting their thoughts to their loved ones in a carefully written letter. Many are like me though. They want to be there, to face the issue head on and bear the response, positive or negative, in person. To them I say that one of the most important things you can do to affect the encounter, is to do your best to present yourself in a confident manner. If you come across as extremely nervous or panicky, your audience is going to pick up on it. Your visible fear and the worry in your voice and mannerisms is going to cause the other person or people to start worrying from the get go, before you even get to say anything about your condition. On the other hand, if you start out confident and in control, others will pick up on that and it will put them in a much more comfortable mind set. This is all one hundred percent true by the way. It has a lot to do with how our subconscious takes cues from things that we may not even notice on a conscious level.

Of course this doesn't guarantee a positive reaction. That has a lot to do with the beliefs and mindset of the person you're talking to, but it does help to bring out the best possible encounter you could have with that person. Confidence isn't always easy. In the beginning, I had to fake my confidence. In my case, I simply thought about the person I was going to become and how confident and self assured she would be and, if this makes sense, I borrowed a little confidence from her. It helped me get through the early stages of coming out last year, and I've since developed for real some of the confidence I was faking or borrowing. The benefits of, at the very least the appearance of, confidence do not stop at coming out either. It was of great benefit when I began transitioning at work back in March. I had come out to my management team and coworkers months earlier, and the response had been fairly positive. So, on that fateful day when I decided it was time, I simply marched in, as Alexis, and told my managers that this was how I would be coming to work from now on. I didn't ask their permission, I didn't say it timidly. I flat out told them. I showed them that this was happening, and that there was no if. When I have time I'll talk a little more about transitioning at work.

I've found that the very real confidence I'm starting to develop, bordering on downright cocky at times, helps me in my day to day life, dealing with the rest of the world as well.

Confidence. It's okay not to have it, particularly in the beginning, but at least learn to fake it and you will notice a difference. I guarantee it.

AJ

A Day in the Life

We're the same, you and I.

Is that really so hard to imagine? When you look at me what do you see? Do you see somebody who's throwing their life away, damning themselves to hell, as I've heard? Do you see a freak of nature, a mistake, an abomination? Or maybe you see somebody who's misguided, who isn't intelligent enough, or spiritual enough to know how they should live their life. Is it possible, just maybe, that when you look at me; when you see the life and energy in my eyes, you see simply another human being who's trying to live their life and deal with the adversity of their situation in the most positive and productive way?

I've seen and heard all of these to some degree since I started my transition. Fortune has smiled upon me, for I've experienced the negative much less than many of my brothers and sisters out in the world,  but its found subtle outlets in my life as well. I get the stares, and the occasional whispered comments when those around me don't think I hear. Am I, are we really so different from the rest of modern society? I really don't think so. In fact, as hard as it may be for some to accept, I firmly believe that our similarities far outweigh the differences. Think about your average day, the things you do. Let me take you through an average day in my life, and then tell me how different you really think we are.

A Day in the Life

I  wake up in the evening (I happen to work overnight as a manager in the retail world) and the very first thing to cross my mind is that craving for a nicotine fix. Like many others out there I'm sadly a smoker and it's sometimes hard to function before I have that first one. After I go outside and pollute my lungs, I finally start to feel like I'm truly awake. I step inside and have to deal with the annoyance of two small dogs yapping and barking at me mercilessly because they've apparently completely forgotten who I was in the five minutes or so I've spent outside. Afterward, I go back down stairs to my basement home and wash up before trying to figure out what to wear.

Once I've picked out my clothes and put them on, I run upstairs for a quick breakfast. Sometimes I'll do a bowl of cereal. (Something sugary because I'm still such a child!) but often it turns into a couple of toaster-warmed Pop Tarts and then it's back downstairs to dink around for a little bit before I head off to work. Sometimes I'll play a game on my PS3, or I'll check out something on Netflix, or I might even feel ambitious and power my laptop up to do some writing. When it's time to leave for work, I get into my car, usually fairly reluctantly and drive to work. During this time I'll usually think about the bills I have to pay, groceries or other necessities I might need, or things I need to get done within the next few days.

The next ten hours of my night are spent scheduling the evening at work, supervising my direct reports, and just thinking about how I really, really wish I were at home, or maybe on vacation on a beach somewhere. That last one comes to mind a lot. Like a lot of people I trudge through my job, eager for that moment when it's time to go home and get some much needed rest. For lunch I'll have yogurt, or a microwavable sandwich, or any number of other easy to prepare foods. I could probably watch my diet a little more closely, but that's just another thing I share with so may others. When my shift is over, I can't wait to get out of there! I practically race out that door, just in time to sit through morning rush hour traffic. I probably smoke a little too much while I'm waiting for the cars ahead of me to discover the virtue of motion but it's a good opportunity to listen to some music.

Eventually, I make it home. By now it's usually time to take my medication, just like so many others who have a medical condition that needs to be treated. I'm usually tired when I get home. I'll take a quick shower and wash away the light makeup I put on the night before. Dressed in my comfy pajamas, I sometimes take the time to talk to the object of my affection, or text or message her before climbing into bed with a good book, often one I've read countless times, that lulls me to sleep.

Sound boring?

Any of it sound familiar?

Exactly. Are you disappointed by the lack of strange sexual activity and fetishist behavior. Does it surprise you to know that the things I do, the thoughts I think, are so normal? Tell me this, where are the differences? What in that passage is so different, on the whole, from how you live your life.

We're not deranged, and we're not monsters with insatiable and bizarre sexual appetites like some would have you believe.

We're just, believe it or not, ordinary people trying to live our lives.

So... are you gay... straight, I'm confused...

Love. At it's core it's such a simple emotion. We don't control who we fall in love with. Like instinct, it simply happens with little or no need of involvement from our higher brain. For being so basic, so... automatic, it's also one of the most powerful forces in the world. It can move mountains, it can heal your heart, and it can do a lot of other cliche things as well. Believe it or not, those of us in the Transgender community are not immune to its effects. Before I set into today's topic, I want to mention Erin. We've been getting to know each other for a little while now. It started out as innocently as watching and reading posts from each other on Facebook. As we started to notice the things we had in common it escalated to private messages and onto texts and finally phone calls that neither one of us ever want to end. I've developed a great affection, love, and admiration for Erin and though, physically, there is a distance between us for now, it's not enough to keep us apart in the way that truly matters. Take a bow honey.

Obviously I can't define love and I wouldn't deign to attempt such a feat. It's a task better left to the poets and philosophers. But there is something that often falls  along the same vein. Let's talk a little about sex. To be more specific, let's talk about sexual orientation and how it applies to the Transgender community because there are a lot of misconceptions and general confusion floating around and it's really not that complicated. Maybe if we talk through it a little, we can come to an understanding.

Gender Pronouns

 Before we talk about orientation, let's talk a little bit about gender pronouns because there's almost as much confusion surrounding this topic, and understanding it, will help a little in understanding sexual orientation. Let's look at me for example. I am a Transgender Woman. Because I'm undergoing hormone replacement therapy as part of  a means to changing my physical body, I could also accurately be referred to as a Transsexual Woman. Because I identify as Female, I use female pronouns; her, she, and the like. It's as simple as that. A friend of mine is a Transgender Male. Now, because he isn't undergoing any medical treatment to alter his physical body, it would be incorrect to refer to him as Transsexual. Does that make sense? Are you still following me? Good. Still, because he identifies as Male, the masculine pronouns apply; he, his, ect... Now there are a host of variant gender identities that fall in between the binary male and female, and many who fall into these ranges use a host of gender pronouns that fall in between. For now we'll stick to the binary male and female though. Hopefully this makes sense. The best rule of thumb, if you're uncertain, is to politely ask the individual how they prefer to be identified. It might be a little awkward at first, but I promise you that misgendering them later will be much more uncomfortable.

Sexual Orientation in the Transgender Community

Now that we understand the pronouns, sexual orientation should be a piece of cake. Let's look at it this way; how would you refer to a genetic female who is sexually attracted to other women? You would identify her as lesbian. Correct? The same applies to a genetic male who is only attracted sexually to other males. That person would identify as a gay man. The same applies to Trans individuals. A Trans male who's attracted to other males, whether they're Trans or genetic, would be gay. A Trans woman who's attracted to other women, Trans or genetic, would be a lesbian. It's as simple as that. There are some out there who think, or fall under the opinion that a Trans woman who's attracted to men is simply a gay male. This is not even remotely true. Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation are two completely different things. That particular opinion is not only incorrect, but very disrespectful as well.

I offer myself as an example. I am comfortably Bisexual (although because I'm entering into a relationship with a wonderful woman, I am effectively a lesbian). This has nothing to do with my gender though. Whether the few partners I have had were male or female I was never comfortable with physical intimacy. It had nothing to do with whether I found them attractive or not, but how I perceived myself. I simply wasn't comfortable being with either sex because I was uncomfortable in my own skin. As I become more comfortable in my own body. The idea of physical intimacy becomes more and more appealing.

I think I've rambled enough for today. Hopefully you enjoyed this and learned something from it.

AJ

Choosing Sides

Hi! I'm Alexis, and I'm here to steal a little bit of your time, but in return, I hope my posts will offer a little perspective on what life is like for a Trans Woman living in the United States. I'm 31 years old, Pre-Op, and I've been on Hormone Replacement Therapy for a little over six months. Are you captivated by my beauty yet? Well, you should be. Have I mentioned I'm just a little cocky (No pun intended) and maybe a little too full of myself. Just a little. Unless you ask somebody else, so it's best to just take my word for it.

So, why am I here?  At this point Transgender Blogs are a dime a dozen. That's not to say that they're not unique in their own right. All of us have something to say, and my recommendation would be to check out as many as possible. Failing that, you should read mine. (Sorry, my over inflated ego made me say that. It's true, but normally I try to practice a little more modesty.) So, I could spend a lot of time introducing myself, but I promise you'll be given the opportunity to get to know me over the course of my posts, but for now I'd like to dive right in.

 The Trans Fight for Equal Rights

There is a war on, and it's a war we fight every day. Whether somebody is Male to Female, Female to Male, or any of the other infinite shades of grey in the Transgender Spectrum, there's one thing we all crave. It's acceptance. We all want the ability to live our lives as we see fit and not be looked down upon or shunned by society for it. The world is becoming more progressive, but it's moving too slowly for my taste. Yes we're starting to have our day in the sun as far as the media is concerned with Chelsea Manning, and all of the recent bathroom legislation, but answer me this; How sad is it that one of the basic rights we're fighting for is simply the right to go to the bathroom in peace? How unbelievably sad is that? It's America, the So called home of the free and some people are scared to use a public bathroom!

Some outlets like Fox News make no attempt to cover their prejudice. They ridicule us and spin their own backward opinions as legitimate journalism. And people watch them and cheer them on. For all of the feces they've thrown at us, and the LGBTQ community at large, not once have they brought on a Transgender person, or anybody remotely  qualified to discuss our plight. They even had the nerve to have some bearded guy, dressed completely male, stand outside of a women's bathroom, claim to be Transgender, and ask if they would be comfortable sharing their facilities with him. That was simply offensive. Unfortunately Fox News has a lot of support, and so a lot of people take their cues from this supposedly fair and balanced network.

Eventually we will have our rights. The day is coming when we'll be treated no differently than any other group of people on this small blue orb. Look at the strides that the gay and lesbian community has made in recent years. Yes, they still have some distance to cover and they're far from free of prejudice, but today is a better time for them to be alive in this country than any other time in history. The Transgender community cannot ride the LGBTQ wave though. Society views us in an extremely different light than the "L" and the "G", and we need to act accordingly.

Again, I say our day is coming, and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it. We're gaining momentum every day. What we need to do is act on that momentum. When the marriage protection act failed to pass in my home state of Minnesota, more or less making it legal to potentially pass a law allowing same sex marriage, the gay and lesbian community here didn't take a break, decide they'd done enough for now and rest. They immediately set to work putting a bill together and in almost no time at all in the world of politics, their bill was passed.

We're not going anywhere. We're coming out of the wood work now to claim out place in society. What's important is that we need to stand together in the Trans community, along with our non-Trans allies. Regardless of what we do, the train has left the station. We won't be stopped. We alone can determine how quickly we reach our destination. We can continue to live in our own little worlds and let the occasional standout amongst us guide that train at a nice steady pace, or we can all stand together and reach our destination quicker. That choice is ours and ours alone.

Today, the people who choose to persecute us are the same breed that opposed equal rights for African Americans only decades ago, and look how that turned out. Those who are against our rights should think about how they'll be remembered in decades to come.